Welcome back to another round of us explaining how to be less of a butthead at the bar.
Last time, we shook our righteous fingers at you and your bad coffee shop manners, and we heard from some bartender buds that we should do one for bars. So here it is. From saving seats to being a better tipper, we’ve gathered all your worst bar behavior in one place so you can straighten up and fly right, long before you become that regular every bartender dreads.
By Sarah Murrell
No saving seats
Let’s get this one out of the way from the jump: we know you want to sit with your friend. We know it can be tempting when the bar is filling up. Don’t do this. It’s the same principle in place as restaurants that won’t seat you until your whole party is there, because butts already in seats are infinitely more valuable than butts hypothetically in seats. If you want to make sure you get two seats together, arrive together, friends. Save gas, save time, save a parking space, just don’t save seats.
Get your drink and walk away
When you’re at the kind of place where lines form three or more deep around the bar, we have a challenge for you: get your drink and get the heck out of there. Move away (or as “away” as you can when it’s packed) from the bar so other people can order and your hardworking bartenders can maximize their tips.
Bar service OR server, not both
So, the bar is busy, it’s been a few minutes since you’re server has stopped to check on you between running food and drinks. Should you walk up to the bar and order from the bartender? That’s gonna be a no from us, dawg. This creates a headache, doubles the work, and cuts down on a system that was efficient moments before you disrupted it. Worse, it takes away more tip money from your server who’s busting ass to cover a whole section.
No less than $1-per-drink tip
If you’ve never worked a tipping-wage job, let us let you in on a little secret: minimum wage for servers is just over $2, so bartenders and servers frequently rely on tipping just to meet the minimum. If a lunch shift is totally dead, it’s possible (and not unusual) for a server to leave with about $7 in hourly wages and $0-10 in tips for three hours of work.
Shit sucks, yo. So tip fat, and even if they’re just popping the cap or pulling the handle for your beer of choice, they’re giving you a valuable service, and you should pay them accordingly. Tip more for handcrafted cocktails, or table pours of wine. And if you can’t afford both a decent tip and a night out, you can’t afford a night out. Period.
Take your bullsh*t outside
When the booze goes in, the truth comes out, be they confessions or merely the harsh biological realities of alcohol consumption. Just please think of your hardworking bartenders when you’re about to throw hands, throw up, or throw out your PDA policy. No one wants to see it or clean up after it, so please take it outside the bar doors.
No, you don’t know the owner.
Even if the owner is your husband or wife, even if the owner is on all fours and you’re using him or her as a human bench, you don’t “know the owner,” and you shouldn’t use that name check to try to get free drinks. It’s the fastest way to come off like an ultra-douche, and saying that with the assumption that you’ll get a free drink also means you don’t value your “friend’s” business. Knock that crap off, pay for your drinks, and tip, Mr./Ms. VIP.
Download TouchTunes and shut up
There aren’t that many real jukeboxes left in the city (love you, Dorman Street), but a lot of them have been replaced by TouchTunes systems. If you’re the kind of tool that actually enjoys lording over the aural mood of an entire restaurant, download TouchTunes. You can inflict your musical tyranny on the whole bar without bothering the bartender to skip tracks, for the fair market price of that megalomania.
Charge your own goddamn phone
How...did this become a thing? Who are you people not fully charging your phones before you go out? And why is that the bar’s problem? Don’t be that person. It’s 2019, and there are infinite kinds of power banks and cases and bricks that fit in any small purse, with many new bars opting for outlets on the customer side of the bar. Hop on the accountability train and leave your bartender to do their job, which is not being your personal electronics valet.
If you get cut off, don’t argue
Bartenders in the state of Indiana (and many others) are liable for whatever your drunk ass does after you leave the bar if you are drunk. It’s up to every bartender’s discretion, and it leaves them vulnerable to criminal prosecution if they serve you too many and you kill someone with your car on your drunk drive home. If you get cut off, don’t argue, pay your tab, DO NOT DRIVE, and find a safe means of getting home.
Don’t comment on your bartender's appearance. Ever.
Something bizarre happens to people’s brains when there are 18 inches of bar top between them and the person serving them drinks, which is to say, many of you all lose your minds and all semblance of polite socialization. If you think your bartender’s really hot or too thin or attractive for their age/ethnicity you normally find repellent or would look better without all those tattoos or should wear more leather or smile more or show more skin, keep every single one of those shitty thoughts to yourself. We don’t even know why we should have to write this down, but ask any bartender and they’d tell you a hair-raising tale of objectification — men and women alike.
